The title of this post might seem a bit out of character for my blog, but after reading it, you'll understand why.  That being said, if you are a bit on the squeamish side when it comes to preventing the birds getting with the bees, you may want to turn back now.

Last Friday, I went in to permanently set the number of children I will ever have too what it is today.  Yes, ladies and gents, I went under the knife and got a vasectomy.  Even hearing the word makes most men cringe.  But the results are much better than buying birth control the rest of your life or, heaven forbid, yet another munchkin running around taking control of the TV while I am trying to watch football.  Below are some of the nuggets of information that I have learned from the experience:

• There is nothing more ego deflating than having 2 female nurses lay you back on a paper lined table with a hospital gown pulled up above your waist.  No matter how impressive you think you are, to them you're just another dick waiting to be fixed.
• Betadine in a squirt bottle at room temperature is really freaking cold when applied to your privates.  The least they could have done was warm it up a little.
• The procedure itself is relatively painless.  The only thing that hurts even a little is the needle for the local anesthetic.  I sort of felt when the doctor was slicing into me, but it was only pressure and no pain at all.  From the time I got on the table til I was getting dressed to go home was about 20 minutes.
• Nobody looks good in the gauze underwear they put you in afterwards.
• As a precaution, I took a dose of Tylenol before I left for my appointment.  After I left, I went straight to the Pharmacy and filled my prescription for generic Vicodin.  As soon as I got home, I took one before the local had a chance to stop working.  I took another pill before I headed to bed that night.
• ICE! ICE! ICE! As bad as it might sound, apply ice as soon as possible.  It keeps the area numb all night and significantly reduces any pain.  I never thought I would elect to put ice in that area of my body, but it did help.  Just don't put your laptop on your lap while applying the ice because it will melt the ice very quickly.
• You are going to lose sleep the first couple of nights because every time you turn over in bed, you will wake up.
• The doctor was right about the pain.  It feels just like someone kicked you or hit you in the balls.  Normally, that feeling subsides overtime, but this pain goes on for a few days to a week.
• Going down stairs is much more painful than going up them.  The railings in handicap stalls are a God-send.  Sudden movements should be avoided if possible.
• Don't worry about not being able to have sex for a week.  It will be at least that long before you even think about letting someone else get close to that area of your body.
• There will be some swelling (not the good kind) and quite a bit of bruising, so your privates will be even less attractive than usual and you will be walking like you have a load in your pants.

At the end of the day, it's no where near as traumatic as I expected and far less invasive than having the wife take care of it on her end.